Old Jegg: A Love Story
by YouAreNotACreativeColott
Summary: Depressed and lonely after Howard Moon leaves him, Old Gregg decides to commit suicide. He tries to hang himself, but Jesus has other plans. A romantic relationship quickly blossom between the two. Slowly, Jesus is able to convince Old Gregg that he is a beautiful, worthwhile human being who deserves love. But how long will this love last? And what will Howard's reaction be?
1. Chapter 1: Old Gregg's Suicide

Deep under what the Villagers call 'Black Lake', there is a cave. It is dark, moist, and a bit moldy. On the outside it looks no different than any other cave. However, if you move aside the thick, green vegetation covering its mouth, you realize that this cave is as special as they come. For inside lives a person so special, so unique, that the world doesn't know how to handle him. Inside this dark, depressing, watery cave lies Old Gregg, a sad, lonely creature, neither human nor mermaid. With the body of a man, and the glowing white light of a woman's vagina, he knows not what he is. He has no recollection of the past, and knows not what the future has in store. So he paints his watercolors, drinks his Baileys Irish Cream, reminisces about the wonderful times he had in Home Economics class when he still went by the name Young Gregg, and cries himself to sleep, haunted by memories of his lost love, Howard Moon.

And he does not know he's beautiful.

This green, tutu wearing, sassy, seaweed haired scaly man-fish, with his mild British accent and his strange nature; if only someone were to tell him of his good qualities. If only someone were to love him. Maybe he would be happy. Maybe he could become sane again. Maybe he wouldn't have to resort to kidnapping tall, awkward, squinty-eyed men like Howard Moon just to feel like he could be appreciated by someone. Maybe he wouldn't be committing suicide tonight.

But there is no one to say these things, and never has been. So, tonight it's all going to end. He has the rope, he has a boulder to stand on, and he has the honest will to go through with it.

"Woe is me, the one I call 'Old Gregg'." Said Old Gregg. "Old Gregg is tired of this nightmare of a life he's been livin. All I do is paint amazing pictures and wash down my despair with Bailey's Irish Cream." He took another swig of the sweet alcoholic beverage. "There isn't any room for Old Gregg on this sad, deceitful world anymore. If Howard won't love me, who will?" Old Gregg burst into yet another batch of salty, watery tears.

"What is there to live for?" He cried out. Only the echo of the cave replied. It whispered Old Gregg's question back to him in a mocking, sarcastic tone. Gregg asked the question again, more to himself this time."If Jesus ever truly loved me, like my Home Economics teacher did, then why has he forsaken me so? Has he too, forgotten about Old Gregg? Every one has forgotten about Old Gregg." And with this being said, Old Gregg stepped up onto the boulder and stuck his head inside the shiny rainbow noose up above. He had spent the last week bedazzling it. If he was going to die, he was going to do it in style.

"I'm Old Gregg." He whispered to himself. Then, a little louder. "I have a Mangina." Then, as if it was a last battle cry to the world, he screamed "I'm Old Gregg and I have a Mangina!" He lifted up his pink tutu, revealing the white, God-like light from his Mangina underneath."I'm Olllllld Gregggggg!"

Old Gregg then kicked the chair from beneath his feet so that he might escape the cruel world around him through death. As he kicked the chair, the strangest thing happened. He was being lifted up! Being carried. The light from his Mangina was holding him up like a magnet. He screamed with fright. What was happening to him? He felt a slight, but not altogether unpleasant tickle coming from his nether regions as something more than light poured out of his Mangina. It was doing more than just glowing now. There was a hand coming out of the light! Old Gregg watched helplessly, as an arm, shoulder, torso, and finally a head climbed out of his Mangina. Old Gregg blinked away a layer of sweat from his eyes that this bizarre event had caused to break out all over his body. All of a sudden there was a glowing figure in front of him, picking him up and sitting him gently on the boulder that was going to be a tool used to commit suicide.

"Who- who are you?" Old Gregg asked breathlessly.

"Don't you know me?" The glowing man asked in a calming voice. It was both deep and soft at the same time. It had a smooth rustle to it that made Old Gregg's heart speed up in a sexy way, despite the present circumstances.

Old Gregg's eyes were starting to grow accustomed to the light. Now he could make out more than just a figure. This man was of average height. He was wearing a long white robe, but Old Gregg could tell that the figure's body was muscular underneath. He had a long beard and hair, both of a light brunette color. He immediately reminded Old Gregg of a young, sexy Dumbledore if the wizard was a Jew. This whole concept made Old Gregg's head spin.

"I- I don't know. I don't understand what's happening." Old Gregg tried to explain. He felt light headed. "I heard your cry of loneliness and now I am here to rescue you. I've been watching you for some time now. I've seen your loneliness, I've known your laments, and I've felt your pain."

"Who are you?" Old Gregg asked again. He had a feeling he knew, but he wanted this mysterious man to be the first one to say it. The man took a step closer, gave a shy, awkward smile. And said,

"My name is Jesus. I'm so happy to finally meet you. I've been dreaming of this moment for so long."


	2. Chapter 2: Turning Water into Baileys

Old Gregg sat on his green coach, inspecting the bedazzled noose he had made. It really was beautiful. Old Gregg had spent such a long time designing where each color would go and how it should be placed. He swam around Black Lake for hours looking for the most perfect jewels. It really was a shame that the beautiful device wouldn't be put to use. Of course, Old Gregg was happy to be saved, but still, he had put so much effort into this lovely piece, that it seemed almost entitled to be put to use. Instead of choosing suicide, Old Gregg had chosen life, and so this beautiful noose would have to be forgotten. He stood up and stuck it on the coat peg where his wedding dress used to be. It would stay there for now until he could find a good place for it.

Old Gregg let out a deep sigh. It was weird thinking about how he could be dead right now. If Jesus hadn't saved him last night he would be a rotting Mer-fish on its way to the bottom of the lake. Jesus was a great guy. He had told Old Gregg the generic story every therapist tells in every soap opera suicide episode: You have so much to live for. Don't give up. It gets better. Old Gregg had heard this many times, but when Jesus said it, it seemed so much more real. Jesus said it with a sincerity that would have been impossible to argue against. So Old Gregg had promised Jesus that he wouldn't commit suicide. Jesus seemed very pleased by this.

After this long talk they were both very tired, and Old Gregg told Jesus that he was welcome to crash at the cave for a night. Jesus was exhausted, and gratefully accepted. Jesus slept in the bedroom, and Old Gregg, like the good host he was, took the living room coach. Now he looked over to the bed where Jesus lay sleeping. The door was open, so Old Gregg had a good view. He watched his strange new friend shyly, wanting to know exactly who he was and why he cared about Old Gregg.

As he watched, Old Gregg noted how peaceful Jesus Christ looked while sleeping. He was laying on his back, with the white sheet sprawled over his body lazily. The sheet wasn't completely covering Jesus, and Old Gregg blushed as he looked over the Saviors sexy body. He had a sort of mild shimmer to him, and Old Gregg thought Jesus was so beautiful that, if in the light, he might even be able to sparkle. Jesus had just a little chest hair covering his mostly bare, muscular pecks. His nipples were like tiny, brown mushrooms. His skin was a dark olive color, but there was a tan line just below his navel, where his pants usually covered the skin. Jesus slept in the nude, and Old Gregg could see what the skin on the other side of the tan lines looked like. It was white, like ivory, and looked very soft and smooth. Jesus's penis was covered by the sheet, but only barely, and Old Gregg could easily see the detail of it's large, limp shape through them. The sight of it gave Old Gregg's own body a pleasant tingle as he imagined what it would feel like to touch Jesus's naked body, and to have Jesus touch his. As if awakened by this lude thought, Jesus opened his eyes. He saw that Old Gregg was looking at him and smiled.

"Good morning." Jesus said, yawning.

"Good morning Mister Jesus Christ." Said Old Gregg. "Did'ya sleep well?"

"Yes I did." Jesus answered. "Sorry I slept in." he added. "That was my first time traveling via Mangina. It's definitely a tiring process."

"That's okay Sir. I understand." Said Old Gregg. He didn't really understand. He'd never traveled through a mangina before. It had just seemed like the right thing to say, though, so he went with it.

"Sir," He asked. "Would you like me to make ya breakfast? I have some fish right here for ya. And we can open up a fresh bottle Baileys Irish Creme."

"Yes. That would be nice."

They entered the cave's dining area. It looked like the rest of Old Gregg's dwelling. It was dark and wet and gray, with a few stalagmites and stalactites growing from the ceiling and floor. There was a bar in the corner and a table in the middle of the room. The table was currently covered in bright water color pictures. Most of them were portraits of a tall, gangling man with a mousy brown mustache and tiny eyes. For the past month Old Gregg had been obsessed with painting pictures of his ex boyfriend, Howard Moon.

Old Gregg and Jesus made their way to the bar. Old Gregg pulled out a chair for his guest, then grabbed two plates of food that he had already prepared from behind the bar. He put one in front of Jesus and another in front of himself. Then he sat down and looked nervously at Christ. He had never made food for God's son before. He didn't know what food a son of God would like. He decided to go with one of his own favorite dishes; raw fish, onions, and sauteed kelp. He looked at Christ, hoping the reaction to the food would be a positive one. Old Gregg let out a sigh of relief when Jesus bit hungrily into the fish. Jesus seemed to like the food, and that was good.

As Jesus ate, Old Gregg realized that something was missing. He smacked his head. Of course! The drinks. He apologized to Jesus for not getting him a drink earlier and went to the back of the bar to get a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream. He looked around for a bottle, but to his dismay, he saw that his Baileys supply was completely gone! During his suicidal depression Old Gregg had forgotten to buy another case.

"Oh Jesus," He said. "I seem to have run all out of Bailey's Irish Cream, and I don't have any other beverages. I'm so sorry."

"Don't worry about it." Jesus replied. "You have done more than enough by giving me this nice meal."

"But Sir, a meal isn't really a meal without a beverage!" Old Gregg cried.

"Alright then. I think I can fix this problem. Old Gregg, would you mind filling up two glasses with lake water?"

Old Gregg didn't understand how Lake water could be appetizing to anyone, especially a person like Jesus Christ. The water was toxic because the village people kept dumping rave glow sticks into the lake. It didn't poison Old Gregg, because Old Gregg was immune to poison, but there was a possibility it might hurt Jesus. Old Gregg was too shy to point this out, so he did as Jesus said and hoped for a good outcome. He retrieved the glasses of water and handed them to Jesus. Instead of drinking it, Jesus spit into each glass. Old Gregg's first reaction was to be offended, but as he looked at the water, he saw that it was turning a thick white color. It looked exactly like Bailey's Irish Cream.

"What the-?" Gregg started.

"It's safe to drink for both of us now. Taste it."

Old Gregg did what Jesus said. He took a sip, expecting to taste the sour lake water, but instead tasted the familiar, sugary, alcoholic taste of Baileys!

"I turned the water into Bailey's. I hope you don't mind. I always preferred it to wine anyway." Jesus said.

"That's. I mean, uhh." Old Gregg stumbled. "It's nice."

"I'm glad you approve." Jesus said with another one of his sexy smiles.

"I can't believe you can turn toxic water into my favorite drink! You are the best. You would seriously be the perfect boyfriend." Old Gregg said this, then immediately became silent. Did he say that out loud? Oops. Now Jesus would know that Old Gregg had a crush on him! How embarrassing.

Jesus blushed. "It's nothing really." He said. "Just something my dad taught me."

"Sorry." Old Gregg said. "I didn't mean anything by that. I don't want things to be awkward between us."

"They won't be. I could never feel awkward around you." Jesus told him. "You see, I was bullied for most of my life. The angels were always so mean to me. They called me names and made fun of how I looked. I got teased all the time. I've been worse than an outcast. Instead I've been targeted. Even dying on the cross didn't earn me the angels respect."

"But why would they be so mean to you?" Old Gregg couldn't imagine anybody disliking Jesus.

"You see," Jesus took a deep breath. He was getting ready to tell one of his most embarrassing secrets. "Mary wasn't my mother like the bible says. I have two parents. One is God. The other is a sparkling vampire named Edward Cullen."


	3. Chapter 3: Jesus and Edward Cullen

"Your father is Edward Cullen?!" Old Gregg shouted. "The famous vampire from the super cool and not lame at all book series Twilight?"

Jesus sighed. "Yes. That would be the one."

"But why would people pick on you for that? Twilight is cool. My friend, The Funk, loved Twilight. I heard from the celebrity magazines that preteen girls all over the world love Edward Cullen."

"Teenage girls are obsessed with my father Edward." Jesus scowled. "That's part of the problem."

"How could that be a problem? It seems like having a celebrity dad would make you popular."

Jesus kicked at a cave pebble with his foot. "It might have made me popular," he said. "if he hadn't loved the teenage girls as much as they loved him. When girls would find out that the sparkling vampire Edward really existed, they would flip out. He could get them to do anything he wanted. Anything." Jesus's facial expression darkened. "He abused that power. He would get them to do all this weird shit just because he thought it was fun to see them trust him so willingly. Soon it became a habit."

"That's horrible." Old Gregg said. "Did he, ya know, take advantage of them?"

"Of course. That's what basically what I just said!" Jesus said in exasperation. This topic never put Jesus in the best of moods. He couldn't help but be a little cross. He paused and thought for a minute. "Oh," He said. "You meant like sex and rape and stuff, right?"

"Yeah."

"Like chains and whips and butt plugs and reindeer and pencil sharpeners and Shrek-is-Love-Shrek-is-Life and thongs and dancing and choking and sucking?"

"Umm. I guess so. But Edward didn't do all those terrible things, did he?" Old Gregg gasped.

The thought of Edward doing such things was repulsive, and yet, at the same time, the thought didn't surprise him. Edward Cullen was kind of freaky for having sexual relations with that human named Bella, which, for vampires, is basically the same thing as having sexual relations with a cow or chicken. You're not supposed to play with your food.

"My dad Edward? As if! He just made them do his chores and stuff."

"Oh, well that's a relief." Old Gregg said.

"The one who is obsessed with chains and whips and butt plugs and reindeer and pencil sharpeners and Shrek-is-Love-Shrek-is-Life and thongs and dancing and choking and sucking is my other dad, God. Raping is more of God's kind of thing. Sometimes, when I was younger, he would film it and show me later. We'd eat popcorn and watch the tapes. We had quite a few good laughs over what the Tellytubbies did. They were the freakiest sluts God ever had sex with. So funny.

"But anyway, Edward Cullen used these preteen girls to do his chores. If my dad asked Edward to do some laundry, rather than actually doing it, Edward would snap his fingers and some brace-faced, pimple popping teen girl would rush to do it for him.

He started to use these girls for everything; cooking, cleaning, wiping his butt when he pooed (which used to be God's job). Eventually it got so bad that there were girls covering every inch of the house. It was impossible to walk around without stepping on at least one of them. The angels hated Edward because they thought that he was a sparkle-skin lazy ass.'

Jesus paused. It was clear that this story was a hard tale for him to tell. Old Gregg put a comforting hand on Christ's back. Jesus patted it for a moment, then began again.

"My dad got sick of the craziness and told Edward that he was leaving. Either the girls went, or he did. Edward chose the girls." A single tear slid down Jesus's perfect cheek. "My dad and I moved out. At the time, I was only 25 years old. I have been living with only one parent ever since. Mary spends the night once in a while, but it's not the same.

"Oh Jesus I'm so sorry." Said Old Gregg. It was the only thing he could think to say.

"And now," Jesus's voice wavered a little. It was clear that he was holding back a tidal wave of tears. "Now, whenever I go into the sunlight my skin sparkles just like Cullen's! God can't even look at me when I'm in the sun because I shine so bright. I reminds him too much of his past love. And I can't go out in the daytime without having the angels laugh and throw candy canes at me! They chant Elephant Dump, Elephant Dump at me over and over again!"

"Elephant Dump?"

"Yeah. That nickname doesn't really have anything to do with my dad Edward, but still, it shows you how much they bully me."

"I'm so sorry Jesus. I wish there was some way I could make it up to you."

Jesus smiled another of those smiles that made Old Gregg feel like swooning. Old Gregg's heart lept at the idea that Jesus might take the hint and ask for a sexual favor!

Instead, to Old Gregg's disappointment, the Savior said

"Old Gregg, don't worry about making it up to me. You already have. You've shown me great hospitality, treated me like an equal, and have listened to my story. Thank you."

This comment still made Old Gregg happy. It's true that it wasn't as good as the possibility of sucking Jesus's cock, but still, it was nice.

"I will show you every hospitality I can, and listen to any story you'd have me hear. You're the-" Should Old Gregg be admitting this? "-the best friend I've had in a long time."

"Old Gregg, I feel the same way about you."

"Hey I have an idea!" said Old Gregg. "Wanna go watch the sunset?"

"Yeah." Said Jesus Christ. "That sounds great.

And so they walked, hand in hand, as best friends, to the mouth of the cave to watch the sun set.


End file.
